Brewing Humor & Quotable Quotes

An Irish guy releases a genie and gets 3 wishes.  He first wishes for a glass of Guinness that is always full.  The genie snaps his finger and there is a glass of Guinness.  The Irish guy picks it up, guzzles it down, sets it on the table and it is instantly full again.  He is impressed.  The genie asks what his remaining two wishes will be.  The Irishman says "Chisus, I'll have two more of those".

Can you guess these beers?

A man hath no better thing under the sun than to eat and to drink and to be merry.

Buy a man a beer and he wastes an hour.  Teach a man to brew and he wastes a lifetime.

And speaking of an educational experience...

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the beer.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes." The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends, your favorite passions--things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. "The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else--the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups, take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the disposal. "Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."

"A fine beer may be judged with only one sip, but it's better to be thoroughly sure."
    -- Czech proverb

"Of beer an enthusiast has said that it could never be bad, but that some brands might be better than others ..."
    -- A.A. Milne

"He that buys land buys many stones,
He that buys flesh buys many bones,
He that buys eggs buys many shells,
But he that buys good beer buys nothing else."
    -- Old Rhyme

"You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer."
     --Frank Zappa

"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut."
     --Ernest Hemmingway

"Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me."
     --Winston Churchill

"He was a wise man who invented beer."        --Plato  "Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink."       --Lady Astor to Winston Churchill  "Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it."       --Churchill's reply  "If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs."       --David Daye  "Work is the curse of the drinking class."       --Oscar Wilde  "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."       --Henny Youngman

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
     --Benjamin Franklin

"A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her."
      --W.C. Fields

"If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose."
     --"Deep Thoughts," by Jack Handy

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
     --Dave Barry

"The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind."
     --Humphrey Bogart

"Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine."
      --David Moulton

"People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee alot."
      --Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

"Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world."
     --Kaiser Welhelm

"Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer."
      --Dave Barry

"I drink to make other people interesting."
      --George Jean Nathan

"They who drink beer will think beer."
     --Washington Irving

"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools."
     --Ernest Hemmingway ("For Whom the Bell Tolls")

"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."
     --Dean Martin

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.""
     -- Jack Handy
 
 

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter.

He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

"Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else were lost and only they remained, your life would still be full."

"The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rock. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you."

"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

But then...

A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.

The moral of this tale is:

That no matter how full your life is, there is always room for BEER.

A rabbi and a priest collided at a busy intersection. Both cars were totally demolished, but amazingly, neither cleric was hurt.

After crawling out of their cars, the rabbi saw the priest's collar.  "So, you're a priest!  I'm a rabbi!  Just look at our cars!  There's nothing left, but we're unhurt! This must be a sign from God.  God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The priest replied, "I agree with you completely.  This must be a sign from God."

The rabbi continued, "And look at this!  Here's another miracle - my car is completely demolished, but the bottle of wine I had inside didn't break!  Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune!"

Then he handed the bottle to the priest.  The priest agreed, drank half the bottle and handed it back to the rabbi.  The rabbi took the bottle, immediately put the cap on it and handed it back to the priest.

The priest asked, "Aren't you having any?"

The rabbi replied, "No.  I think I will wait for the police."

REASONS FOR ALLOWING DRINKING AT WORK
- Submitted by Steve

While this may appear simply as a joke, if you read carefully below, the logic is actually pretty sound.

1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they have had a couple of drinks
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

After the Great Britian Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."  The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser."  The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors."  He gets it.
The guy from Guiness sits down and says "Give me a Coke."  The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guiness?" and the Guiness president replies
"Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I"

There are a good number of very valid reasons for drinking beer, but the one that takes the cake is called the "Buffalo Theory".  It originated in America and goes something like this:

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.  This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.

Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but, naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.  In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

FOREGONE CONCLUSION:

(A) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
(B) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
(C) The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
(D) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
(E) Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.

How To Make Beer at Home
By David Lubar

Any idiot can make beer at home.  Even if you aren't an idiot, there's no problem.  You can make the beer, then drink it and become an idiot.  But I'm wandering from the topic.  Let's make beer.

Ingredients

You'll need malt extract.  It comes in two forms.  Liquid extract is sticky, easily scorched, and packaged in inconvenient 3.3 lb. cans.  Dry extract is fine as long as you never open the package.  The moment it's exposed to air, it sucks up all moisture within a distance of five miles and forms into thick clumps that are almost as sticky as liquid extract.  Most brewers have a hard time deciding which is worse, so they use a combination of the two.

You'll also need hops.  Once you've selected your preferred variety, you need to make a simple calculation to achieve the proper degree of bitterness in your beer.  Take your age, multiply it by the number of taste buds in one square inch of your tongue, add the current temperature of your kitchen (in degrees Kelvin) and square the result.  Divide this total by the number of beers you drank during the last Superbowl.  Or toss in a handful and hope for the best.

Last but not least, you'll need yeast. Dry yeast comes in a convenient package containing a pure strain of brewing yeast pre-mixed at the factory with various unwanted bacteria that might ruin your beer.  Liquid yeast comes sealed in a special pouch, allowing it to remain pure until you open it and expose it to all sorts of unwanted bacteria, thus giving your beer a personal touch.  The choice is yours.

Equipment

You'll need a fermenter.  There are two kinds.  Plastic is light, inexpensive, and subject to scratches that will harbor bacteria that might ruin your beer.  Glass is scratchproof but has an amazing tendency to slip from your hands and shatter.  You'll also need a thermometer and a strainer.The strainer is optional, but comes in very handy when you're trying to fish the broken pieces of the thermometer out of the kettle.

That reminds me.  You'll need a kettle.  The standard ten-gallon stainless steel model found in most kitchens is ideal.  If you can't find yours, just get a quarter keg from your local beer distributor and saw off the top.  You might also want to weld on handles while you're at it.  Be sure to wear safety goggles.

That's pretty much all you'll need except for some siphoning hose, a hydrometer, a bottle capper, a bottle brush, a bottle filler, bottle caps, bottle labels, bottle-drying rack, bottle washer, bottle-nosed dolphins, bottle rockets, and a couple of boxes to hold all the bottles.

Process

Okay.  Here comes the easy part.  Boil some water.  Add the malt.  Turn away for an instant.  Now look back.  Surprise -- the pot has boiled over, covering the stove and most of the kitchen floor with a material that hardens to amazing finish while remaining sticky enough to trap flies and small animals.  Don't forget to toss in the hops.  And add the yeast.  Oops.  No. Wait.  Don't put the yeast in boiling water.  Yikes.  Sorry about that.  Bad move.

Anyhow, boil the stuff for an hour.  Then cool it down.  From this point on, avoid exposing the beer to sunlight unless you are trying to imitate the mephitistic bouquet of Heineken or Corona.  Put the beer in the fermenter. Add the other pack of yeast you were smart enough to buy.  Now put the fermenter in a room that will stay at exactly 68 degrees, or at least somewhere between 40 and 85.  Wait a while.

After a brief period of anywhere from five to ninety days, the airlock will stop bubbling.  Airlock?  Oh, jeez. I forgot to mention that part.  Sorry.

Well, once everything stops bubbling, it's time to bottle or keg your beer. Bottling is inexpensive and incredibly tedious.  Kegging, on the other hand, is expensive but never boring when one contemplates the possible disasters that could occur in the presence of a cylinder containing carbon dioxide at a pressure of 3,000 pounds per square inch.  The choice is yours.

Let's assume you've chosen to bottle your first batch. Might as well, since you have all that equipment (By the way, I was kidding about the dolphin, so please let him go).  Bottling is simple and virtually foolproof.  First, prepare a priming solution with 3/4 cup of corn sugar and 2 cups of water. Be sure to boil the water to avoid the risk of introducing any bacteria that might ruin your beer.

Hey, what was that?  I thought I heard something explode.  Sounded like it came from the basement.  There goes another one.  Oh drat, it sounds like they're all going.  Start without me.  Just put the beer in the bottles and crimp on the caps.  No worries.

Hi.  I'm back.  Got it all bottled?  Good.  Now set it aside for a week or two.  Downstairs would be good.  Away from children and pets.  You might, just to be on the safe side, want to put the bottles inside plastic bags and maybe put those bags behind something sturdy, like several inches of Kevlar or some old cast- iron appliances.

That's all there is to it.  Congratulations on making your first batch.  I can guarantee it's going to be like nothing you've ever tasted before.

Cheers.

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim  Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

 "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's  my husband?"

 "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda.  There was an accident down at the Guiness brewery..."

 "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda.  "Please don't tell me..."

 "I must, Brenda.  Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

 Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen,  Tim?"

 "It was terrible, Brenda.  He fell into a vat of Guiness Stout and drowned."

 Oh my dear Jesus!  But you must tell me true, Tim.  Did he at least go quickly?"

 "Well, no Brenda... no."

 "No?"

 "Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

The following is a letter sent to Miller Brewing Company earlier this month.  The originator reports he has not yet received a response:

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Miller Brewing Company
Milwaukee, Wisconsin  53201

Dear Sir or Madam,

I have been a drinker of Miller beer's for many years (actually, ever since that other company donated a big chunk of change to Handgun Control Inc.  back in the mid 80's).

Initially, my beer of choice was Lite, but some time in mid-1990 while in Honduras I switched to MGD smuggled up from Panama. Now, for nearly six years, I have been a faithful drinker of MGD.

For these past years, I have come to expect certain things from Genuine Draft. I expect that whenever I see that gold can of MGD, I am about ready to enjoy a great, smooth brew.

But wait!  Sometime around the first of the year, my beloved MGD changed colors, so to speak. That familiar gold can was no longer gold!  Knowing that I am, by nature, somewhat resistant to change, I forced myself to reserve judgment on the new can design.

Gradually, I grew to appreciate the new label.

That was until about May of this year.  That was when I discovered (empirically) that I really didn't like the new design.  Further investigation of the cause of my distress resulted in the following observations:
 

1. Your cans are made of aluminum.
2. Aluminum is a great conductor of energy.
3. Your beer is commonly consumed outside, and thus, the container may be exposed to sunlight.
4. Sunlight striking the can causes radiant warming of the surface of the can.
5. The resultant heat (energy) is transferred through the aluminum, by conduction, to the contents of the can (the beer).
6. Warm beer sucks.

Who was the rocket scientist that designed the new graphic for the can and implemented the change right before summer?  Granted, this process may not be real evident up there in Wisconsin, but down here in Oklahoma (OR TEXAS) where the summers are both sunny and hot, this effect is quite a problem. There's no telling what the folks in Texas and Arizona are
having to put up with.

Knowing that you would probably not address this issue unless you had firm evidence of a problem, I and several other subjects conducted extensive experimentation.  The results of these experiments are listed below.

The experiments were conducted over two days on the deck next to my pool. The study included seven different types of beer (leftovers from a party the previous weekend) that were initially chilled to 38 (and then left exposed to sunlight for different lengths of time.  These beers were sampled by the test subjects at different intervals.  The subjects, all normally MGD drinkers, were asked at each sampling interval their impressions of the different beers.

The length of time between the initial exposure to sunlight and the point where the subject determined the sample undrinkable (the Suck-point) was determined.  The average ambient temperature for the trials was 95 degrees F.
 
 

Beer Type	Average Suck-point (minutes)
Miller Lite (white can)	6.2
Bud (white can)	5.5
Bud Lite (silver can)	5.2
Ice House (blue and silver can)	4.4
Coors Lite (silver can)	4.1
Miller Genuine Draft (black can)	2.8
Coors (gold can)	0.1

It was evident that the color of the can directly correlates to the average suckpoint, except for Coors which was pretty much determined to suck at any point.

It is to be hoped that you will consider re-designing your MGD cans. All beer drinkers that are not smart enough to keep their beer in the shade will thank you.

Sincerely,

Bradley Lee
Beer-drinker

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Phil,

I have a friend that works for Miller Brewing in Milwaukee and she knew about the letter sent in by Bradley Lee.  She sent me the Miller response and it appears below.  She says they have had a lot of fun with this guys letter.
Enjoy...

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Dear Bradley Lee,

Thank you for your letter and your concern about the MGD can color as it relates to premature warming of the contents.  Like you, we at Miller Beer take beer drinking very seriously.  To that end, we have taken your letter and subsequent experiment under serious consideration.  Outlined below are our findings and solution to your problem.  May we add that we have had similar letters from other loyal beer drinkers, mostly from the Southern United States.

First, let us congratulate you on your findings.  Our analysis tends to agree with yours regarding Coors.  It certainly does suck at about any temperature.

Now, it was our intentions when redesigning the MGD can to create better brand identity and brand loyalty.  Someone in marketing did some kind of research and determined we needed to redesign the can.  You will be pleased to know, we have fired that idiot and he is now reeking havoc at a pro-gun control beer manufacturer.  The design staffer working in cahoots with the marketing idiot was also down-sized.

However, once we realized this mistake, to undo it would have been even a bigger mistake.  So, we took some other actions.  From our market research, we found a difference between Northern beer drinker and Southern beer drinkers.

Beer drinkers in the South tend to drink slower than beer drinkers in the North.  We are still researching why that is.  Anyway, at Miller Beer, it was never our intentions to have someone take more than 2.5 minutes to enjoy one of our beers.  We pride ourselves in creating fine, smooth, quick drinking beers and leave the making of sissy, slow sipping beers to that Sam guy in Boston.

However, it is good to know that you feel our Miller Lite can last as long as 6 minutes.  However, may we suggest in the future you try consuming at least two in that time frame.

From your letter, we had our design staff work 'round the clock to come up with a solution that would help not just MGD but all our fine Miller products.  We hope you have recently noticed our solution to your problem.  We found that the hole in the top of the can was not big enough for quick consumption.  So, we have now introduced the new "Wide Mouth" cans.  We hope this will solve all your problems.  Might I also suggest that if you want to get the beer out of the can even faster,  you
can poke a hole on the side near the bottom, hold your finger over it, open the can, tip it to your mouth and then pull your finger off the hole.  This is a common way to drink beer at parties and impress your friends. This technique is known as "shot-gunning".  You should like the name.

Again, thank you for your letter and bring to our attention that there might be other beer drinkers taking more that 2.5 minutes to drink our beers.  Let me assure you that I am have our advertising department work on campaign to solve this problem, too.

Sincerely,

Tom B. Miller
Public Relations
Miller Brewing Co.

P.S. And remember, at Miller Beer we do favor gun control, too.  So please use two hands when firing.