Exclusive Interview with the Candidate

Spot: It's my pleasure.

BW: Tell us, what is one of the first things you would do as president?

Spot: I would organize a Million Dog March, a gathering that would cover the Mall from the Beagle Memorial to the steps of the Capitol Dog Kennels. I want to bring all kinds of dogs together, top dogs, low dogs on the totem pole, what have you. I want to make it possible for all dogs in this country to lift up their heads proudly and howl at the moon in perfect harmony. Cats would be respectfully asked to stay home that day.

BW: Could you share with us your views about fire hydrants?

Spot: There aren't enough of them. If I am elected, I would deploy 100,000 more fire hydrants in the first two years of my presidency, to make America's streets convenient for dogs again.
 

BW: How would you deal with the difficult issue of affirmative action for dachshunds and chihuahuas?  Spot: I am here for the underdog. If the altitude-challenged breeds need a leg up, I say go for it.  BW: And social security? The demographers project a large bulge of aging dogs about to retire.  Spot: I've put a lot of thought into that. Let my pollster finish his work and I'll get back to you.  BW: Are you concerned about the headway your challenger in the primary is making? Snoopy's campaign does seem to be picking up steam.  Spot: Steam nothing. If that potbellied pup doesn't start rolling off that dog house soon he won't even get to the polls in time to vote for himself. Besides, I've nabbed the Great Pumpkin's endorsement. And Marmaduke, don't forget. The great danes are with me all the way.

BW: There was some concern as to your dedication to the principle of free speech...

Spot: My opponents have completely misrepresented my views. I am as strongly supportive of free speech as the next hound. But I cannot see how the use of such hurtful terms as "mongrel" or "cur" could be countenanced in a civilized society. We must educate other species so that we go beyond this sort of thing.

BW: It has been alleged that your pitbull bodyguards have roughed up some unruly members of the press corps who have been following you on the campaign trail...

Spot: Slander! Lies! Made up by a few implacable leftwing editors. The fact that cats control the press in this country makes it very tough for a centrist candidate like me.

BW: Your proposal for national achievement standards for obedience schools has been controversial. Could you tell us a little more about your rationale for these standards?

Spot: Certainly. Let me ask you, Bow Wow, is playing dead any different in Idaho than it is in Virginia? Does "fetch" mean one thing in Texas and another in Oregon? No. My standards would not violate local control. However, it would make obedience schools all over the country accountable to the canine taxpayer. The underachievement of many of our pups is a national disgrace. We get killed in international comparisons. Don't you think it's humiliating for our two year old retrievers to rank consistently below Korean cats?

BW: Do you support school choice?

Spot: Absolutely. I think parents should have the right to educate their pups in schools of their choice. However, I do draw the line at funding sectarian institutions.

BW: Then schools run by the St. Bernards would be...

Spot: Ineligible for public funding.

BW: In what appears to be rather an unusual move, the National Fraternity of Microbrewers have come out in favor of your candidacy.

Spot: I was one of the first to recognize the merits of microbrews. The Fraternity is naturally pleased that their fine products have found their way into the homes of the most distinguished noses in the country.

BW: Could you tell us about your name? There has been some speculation in the tabloid press...not that one wants to repeat such rumors but...

Spot: There's no great mystery. I was christened Whitlow of Owatonna, having descended from the great Brainerd branch of the family. Nothing to do with the Fargo branch, mind you. In my first year at St. Sven's, I ran for pack president. My campaign manager did a poll and indicated that Whitlow would put me behind my opponent Fido by a couple of points. So Spot it was. Simple, direct, to the point. I've never looked back.
 

BW: Your brother Crispin seems to think you've not upheld the family name...  Spot: Balderdash! Crispin's got to stop chasing his tail. My family is one hundred percent behind me in this. Ma is up at Lynn Temporaries recruiting the underdogs. Pa is got a great website up and running, we're reaching out to the techdogs. Erik and Diana worked the State Fair, signed up a passel of volunteers at the Methodist Dogs' Dining Hall, I hear. Even Tweetie is out there for me, speaking at the National Association of Home-schooled Parakeets. My candidacy has been endorsed by the International Society of Homebound Avians. The huskies are firmly behind me--I am going to be honorary lead dog for the Iditarod this coming winter.  BW: Tell us something personal about yourself. What is your favorite video?  Spot: I must admit to a soft spot for One Hundred and One Dalmatians. However, I am not convinced that this movie is appropriate for the youngest pups of our nation. I strongly advise parents to monitor the level of mindless barking in the movies their children see.

BW: Well, thank you, Mr. Spot. It's been great talking with you.

Spot: Great talking with you, Bow Wow.