An Enlightening Interview with Spot

August 25, 1997

Interviewer: What made you want to run for President?

Spot: I was listening to the Howard Stern show one morning and it struck me that someone has to do something constructive before the whole country becomes totally lame. It struck me that Howard needs help. Shoot! This whole country needs help. I have experience in watching for intruders who threaten our home. I guard our home from those negative influences. This is the role of national security. As President, I have a duty, the responsibility, and the ability to protect our homes from foreign or domestic enemies. In my examination of our national morals and ethics, something has invaded our way of life and is the catalyst to a decomposition of our civilization. We are reverting to ways of primitive animals. I can root out this pox and impale it on the staff of liberty and justice. Besides, I couldn't do any worse than the current administration.

Interviewer: Tell us a little bit about your childhood.

Spot: I was orphaned and raised in a pound. If not for the compassion of the Glewwe family, I would have been routinely put to sleep as a convenience to our society. This campaign, in part, is a token of gratitude to all creatures who sacrifice for the benefit for all those that are around them. I am a product of that compassion and I intend to put an end to the blood-thirsty practices of "mercy killing".

Interviewer: Since you are single, are you dating anyone?

Spot: I'm not a bitch, if that is what you are asking.

Interviewer: Lets go on. In response to the recent Republican and Democratic campaign stratigies of dressing up like clowns?

Spot: If the show fits ... We at the CNC (Canine National Commitee) frown on using disguises to hide behind.

Interviewer: Lets change the subject. How do you answer the allegations about testing positive with cat DNA in your blood?

Spot: Hogwash! It is a vicious rumor started by Socks! That cat is a power hungry animal and will say or do anything to divert attention from the truth of a humiliating record of deception, manipulation, and perversion.

Interviewer: So you are denying the allegation?

Spot: Even if it were true (which it is not), are you implying that there is some limitation to who can become President based on heritage? Race?1? How about religion or creed? Read your Constitution!! This country was not built to satisfy your illusion of some political aristocracy. This is a country of the people, by the people, and for the people. I am of mixed breed. Don't I deserve representation? Don't I have the right to let the people speak with their vote? Or does the press want to control the election for their own greedy self interest?

Interviewer: Uhm ... What about the report that you ate Erik's finger?

Spot: Icky! You are one sick puppy! I only eat Purina Dog Chow. I am an enlightened vegetarian.

Interviewer: Are you saying that you did not scarf up the finger when it was laying on the floor?

Spot: Absolutely Not!  I may have sniffed.  I may have put it in my mouth. But I did not swallow!

Interviewer: How do you explain the fact that the finger is missing and can not be found?

Spot: I can't explain something I know nothing about. Have you talked to Shadow (the cat)? She was in the house at the time of the accident. That cat will eat anything. Just ask Tweetie (the bird) how that cat stalks her when no one else is looking.

Interviewer: OK. If you are elected, what would be your first act in the White House?

Spot: Mark my territory.

Interviewer: Well, that's all for now. Thank you for your time.

Spot: You're welcome.