Welcome to Mark's Work Humor
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight
safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported.
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your
lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency
water landing, please take them with our compliments."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.
Please do not leave children or spouses."
Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going
to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish,
but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside,
and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you
enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a
lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. Whoa."
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight
attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening
the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell
everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX
to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle,
and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't
know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your
face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before
assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children decide
now which one you love more."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some
of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately none of
them are on this flight..."
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly
windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the captain was really
having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant
came on the PA and announced: "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.
Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain
taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate."
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We
ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his
ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required
the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile,
and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light
of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye,
thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had
gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said,
"Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no, Mam," said the pilot, "What
is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant came
on with: "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain
Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against
the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are
silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage
to the terminal."
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank
you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane
urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope
you'll think of us here at XXX airline.
"Odd" is the feature most enduring (if not endearing) about
- Mark Glewwe
What else can I say? Scott Adams' cartoon speaks to our generation, our
profession, and to our industry. Check out the Dilbert
Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing
which ones to keep.
There are 10 types of people in the world:
those that understand binary, and those that don't.
All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.
We Plan ... God Laughs
Assumption is the Mother of All Screw-Ups!
Failure is the Mother of Improvement.
Corporate Canoe Race
Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race
on the Missouri River Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their
peak performance before the race.
On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The Americans, very discouraged
and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat.
A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate
and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had
8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people
steering and 1 person rowing.
So American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large
amount of money for a second opinion.
The consultant advised that too many people were steering the boat,
while not enough people were rowing.
To prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management
structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering
superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.
They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1
person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder.
It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program", with meetings,
dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new
paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices
The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American
management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development
of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments
for new equipment.
The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses
and the next year's racing team was out sourced to India.
For comments, please contact Mark, the firstname.lastname@example.org
© 1999-2006 Mark D. Glewwe
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Last modified March, 2006