Wort is not a fertilizer.

By Laurel J. Glewwe

A good wife needs to know her enemy. There are two words that are imperative for you know: hops and wort. Webster’s Dictionary gives the following definition:

Hops: The ripe dried pistillate catkins of a hop used especially to impart a bitter flavor to malt liquors.
Wort: The diluted solution of sugars obtained from malt by the infusion and fermented to form beer.
It is important that you know what these terms are as your Brewer will use them frequently. He will blabber on and on as if you know what he is talking about. Well, here is your chance ladies to get the one up man-ship on the gent.

First, don’t you just love the above definition? Remember Webster was a man, but I would memorize the definitions anyway as it is bound to impress your Brewer.

Second is my insider’s identification so that you know which are the hops and which is the wort. When the Brewer is boiling a liquid substance that smells as if he is boiling your son’s gym socks and shoes at the end of the school year that is the hops. This stench got so bad I bought a 2-burner LP camp stove and set my Brewer up in the garage. This was to get him out of the kitchen. Now if you think I am exaggerating on the smell of boiling hops our two outside dogs, who relish the garage as a royal privilege to be able to stay, left. They not only left the garage but they went to the far back of our ten acres and spent the day. Come to think of it, we did not have problems with muskrats that year.

The wort is malt, hops and water boiled together before “pitching” the yeast. “Pitching” is the Brewer’s fancy term for “putting in” the yeast. They then let the mixture set for a week fermenting and praising “the guys” (yeast) on the fermenting. The brewer then siphons the top liquid off into another carboy and the dark sediment on the bottom he tosses out. This dark sediment is a killer. It works better than 2-4-D. My Brewer, in his infinite wisdom, decided that this may be a great fertilizer for my healthy, beautiful, flowering geraniums. In less than 48 hours it not only killed them but wiped them out so that all that remained was dirt. Sterile dirt at that! Dirt that will no longer sustain life.

Yes, Brewers are children. You do need to supervise and watch your kitchen equipment as well as your flowerbeds. Yet another example is when he bought whole grain and used my Starbucks Coffee Grinder to grind the grain. It killed the motor.

So friends, in conclusion, learn from my experiences. Watch your brewer, and e-mail me with your stories.


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